today at the ymca i was lifting weights. i looked up and there was a high school kid who reminded me so much of my brother jesse. it was so hard to see him. he had a runner's body and a determined look on his face. i miss my brother so much. i miss all the things about him. i miss his presence. i miss his jokes and commentary. i miss his sensitivity and his choice of words. i miss his exuberance for life and people. i miss his love for his family and our children. i miss eating with him and cooking for him. i miss his homemade cookies. i miss watching movies with him and laughing about things with him. i miss his affection. i miss his presence with my parents.
i was remembering when i found out that he only had 3 weeks to live. i came and sat down on the couch with him and i just said i don't want you to die. what am i going to do if you die? i could see that he wanted to make it better for me. but i knew... i knew that he wanted to be with jesus. i knew that he was looking for the end to his suffering and a beginning of the Greater Story. so what am i doing now, that my dear sweet baby brother has gone on to be with Jesus? i miss him. sometimes i don't cry for weeks. other times everything reminds me of him. i weep for my dear parents and my two other brothers. i weep for all the "could haves" like him graduating from my alma mater VES. (that was 2 weeks ago that he would have been graduating). i weep b/c ransom (who looks like jesse) will never know him (until he reaches heaven). i weep b/c my brother dwight lost his best friend.
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